Alarm rang or rather buzzed, a muffled buzz like bees trying to come out of something. Only 5:30 a.m. and it will be too dark to walk in the garden. Must wait another fifteen minutes, or thirty, or maybe even an hour. It is too dark even at 6:30. But walk in the garden I must and have coffee I must and so I set off at about 6:18 a.m. and it is still dark. But in the darkness after awhile you see the night colors in every shade of dark and light and you know exactly where to put your feet.
Even in the dark I can see where the animals walked, ran and sat hunched or lying down and left piles of muck I must clean up, and so I walk back inside, set the coffee down and interrupt my reverie to clean up the mess. It is disgusting and this is why I do not have a dog, or cat or even a bird. The cleanup a reminder of our human body, our frailties, our weakness, the stench of human life if you do not constantly clean and wash and clean and wash and pickup messes each and every day. And that is what becomes a chore is it not? The constant brushing of teeth, washing of our face and bodies. The wiping of our feet before we go inside. The desires sometimes of leaving it all to become sparkling diamond dust that eventually will burn up in the sun. And really, this is why I sometimes stay in my robe all day long and into the night and then I just get up in it again.
After cleaning up the mess in the dark, I think again how remarkable that as I walked, during the first few minutes in the garden in the dark, I knew exactly where to go and only tread on the fresh green dewy grass. As the light emerged I saw clearly the little piles, the nasty presents some cat or dog or possum or raccoon left for me. And still dark I walked to the farthest bed and saw the Mystic Blue Spires and a flicker of light, a pale tiny moth feeding on them. There are so many things in the dark, flying around while we sleep, feeding and doing their little night dance among all the still growing things.
How green the garden is or should I say black because it is dark and night, but the garden is black or it is a green black a dark grass green a blue or even purple black green. It is a color of the night and I think I feel a slight rain or drizzle or some perfume dripping down on me from the skies, and there is also a fragrance of someone just walking by quickly in the dark, or was it that tiny moth exuding a delicate winged scent, caught from Mystic Blue or maybe those deep dark button chrysanthemums that are a color I do not know yet. A wine/magenta/blue/purple/fuchsia/burgundy/bordeaux all tinged with the night.
A note to anyone who might be reading this. There may be typos, as in typographical errors. I cannot find the spell check. When I click on the buttons everything pops up except spell check, as though this program is purposely thwarting me to be grammatically correct as in an old-fashioned kind of way when people paid attention to what they wrote, even when they just had a pencil or pen and many sheaves of paper. Sheaves? It sounds biblical, but I cannot look it up as even my dictionary has given up on me and gives no direction or answers anymore.
I’ve been reading too much news. Can there be such a thing? To be too much informed? I just spoke to someone who had no inkling of what was going on in the Middle East. Which shocked me because I know so much now it is making me sick. I have been sick for three days. They do say it all comes in threes. I see the faces and know the names and see the long long lines of people trying to escape. And there is a photograph of that one man sitting in a vast pile of rocks, the rubble the exploded bricks and mortar of his former life. He is just sitting there in his jeans and tea shirt and sandaled feet. He has absolutely nothing left not even a handful of dust. He is a very young man, you can tell from the body even though it’s all covered, you can tell from the lean strong unblemished arms and hands holding up his head. His feet look so sad.
I don’t know what to do or who to tell or who to weep with. Commiserate with. Where can I run? How can I fit all those people all of them in all those countries into my prayers? How to pray and what to say? As you say the prayer wheel is getting longer and longer and longer and the well is running dry.
Why am I still here? Why do I still have this garden? Why does it still bring me pleasure and comfort and beauty and peace? I lay in bed hearing all the weeping from over the seas far away and felt so callous so cold so removed and so devoid of empathy. Walking in this garden wishing you well on your trip and your business and glancing through recipes for the coming holidays….. eating that taco that was left over from the other day and enjoying it… even this train of thought is killing everything inside of me, not wanting to wake up, wanting to wake up, loving you, not loving you, understanding you, not understanding you. Praying. Not praying. Reading “Kings” reading “Chronicles” hearing that sarcastic voice of a sometime friend telling me over and over again it is not true, it is a fairy tale it is a made up story perpetrated by old white bearded men.
Laying there in the dark before I forced myself to wake up I tried to calm myself by thinking about next spring and buying more bulbs to plant. There is still time, actually now is the time. The right time to plant. I thought of Muscari, Snowdrops, masses of blue Hyacinths, white tulips, maybe those snowdrops that are very tall and look like Lily of the Valley… They are Mongolian or Russian or Siberian snowdrops and then I decide not. But, they would be so perfect in that back bed that I have expanded.
I have expanded everything this year in the garden. Or should I say carved out. Carved away. Moved around. I have purchased more shrubs and trees and finally bought a dwarf European Hornbeam. They call them dwarfs but I saw them at the Botanic garden and they grow quite tall and wide. They must be giant dwarfs. I am chipping away at the size of the garden making it smaller and larger or maybe I am making it disappear altogether. The neighbors walk by and wonder what I am doing as they see the gardener and me dig and dig and dig and unearth more earth more dirt and soil for the worms and the birds. There is still so much grass and I am chopping away at the grass chopping away like a Sculptor chipping away at a large piece of stone that soon will become air.
I am planting more flowers for the bees and the butterflies and all the insects of the night like that tiny moth that was here at 6:20 a.m. in the morning but has now disappeared. I try to explain that to my neighbors or anyone who will listen but they are too busy walking their dogs and even when there is a beautiful mass of jeweled shrubs and flowers and you can see it is a newly created bed like a new grave for a darling beloved person, they stand there staring at their phones while their very large dogs with fat padded feet, sharp dirty claws, rummage through the beds and sniff and maul and trample on the flowers. As though that is a normal and polite way to live.
This is why I like the dark and walk through midnight gardens. I walk before the humans appear. They have over the years become to me like some other race some other form of creature. Some other life and I desperately wish I was not part of them. Wish I could turn into that little moth and disappear.
And then the light comes. Today it was still quite dark and misty and there was and still is that perfume there like incense. And the colors reveal themselves and at about 7:00 a.m. there he is– Little Henry. Virginia Sweet Spire. I should have bought at least three. It is such a charming sweet little shrub with deep green leaves and long dangling white flowers in the spring… racemes, or clumps, panicles or spirals, or clusters, what oh what are they and why after all this time can’t I say or know what things are? That is why a friend of mine once said “I write plays instead of novels because I don’t know the names of things….”
I planted Little Henry two years ago, planting it hastily and in the wrong spot like I often do, because I have no patience, because I cannot wait to fulfill my desires… and it got mixed up in purple and pink asters and Rudbeckia and became a big tangled mess. And for two years every time I looked at it, it seemed to say “Why?” and I felt its almost heartbreaking claustrophobia, its tight chest its weakening little heart. Two weeks ago I dug up some of the asters and gave them to a friend, warning her that they will invade everywhere and everything, but in a lovely starry tiny delicate flower kind of way. Everything in the garden just wants to grow and live even if it’s in the wrong place. But when you plant things in the wrong place they haunt you wherever you go. I decided to save Little Henry from the jungle. I dug and dug –it was a damp and rather cold day and the soil was full of mud and clay and I was filthy from head to toe. The laundry basket in the basement is full of my crumpled muddy clothes showing still all the fits of anger and toil, the slight blood and sweat and tears of nothing the useless pining of things for which I have no control. All summer long there have been piles of muddied clothes that I wore trying to undo, redo and make things right again.
And then my digging was done and there was light and air and room again. Little Henry stood up straight and tall, did not wrinkle, or wilt one bit. Not one leaf withered or sagged or bent down weeping as happens when you rip out a plant and move it. I remember how fresh and sturdy it looked immediately as though I had given it some serum, some vitamins, a new heart or liver or brain. I watered it copiously and said a prayer over it as I sometimes do when I rip out a plant and put it elsewhere. I apologize, like I wish I could apologize to everyone for everything….. and I say rip because no matter how careful you are it always feels like you are ripping out a heart from a chest. Little Henry these past two years, in the wrong place, made me feel so many things. Remorse, pity and anger. Sometimes looking at it I wish I had never bought the thing, sometimes I wanted to rip out the entire garden because of him. That is sometimes how you feel in a garden…
Sometimes I think I could write a whole novel or a whole play about Little Henry. But I won’t because his secret will never be revealed to me. But he has, for me, done so much. Just the thought of seeing him waiting for me in the garden… like some long lost beloved, this small garden thing….. He has led me in the dark from my bedroom down the long steep stairs, through the long narrow living room, around the corner to the cold dark Kitchen where with trembling hands I turn on the stove and fill the saucepan with cold leftover coffee… watching the blue flames light up the room like a frightening storm, and I am still tired and cold, afraid of the night and the dark and the autumn dread, afraid because the weeping from over the seas is still in my ears and that man in the rubble is still in my head and the littered towns and the lives lost there making my heart so weary.
I shuffle out to the garden in the dark and my feet know exactly where to go and I am so cold and tired but soon I know the sky will get rosy and there is a tiny pale moth in the far corner of the garden, like someones wandering soul, and I see it and that tiny thing whispers to me and I turn around and see in the other corner Little Henry beaming in a sort of exciting small fry way and thrilling too like a field of golden wheat or red poppies, startling like a massive flaming Maple like anything red that scares you like blood yet refreshes you like a river soothes you like a tiny flickering candle that is a pale blue moth or shakes you to your very core with a profound and shattering joy like a little child with a new heart.